My biggest fear is encountering someone whose child isn’t doing so well. Where Pinkie is livelier than a bag of frogs full of E numbers, I am able to live with C.F being a dark cloud that lurks in the background, hanging there waiting to pounce, but I have my umbrella of hope that protects me. When I think about C.F I get a coldness that runs through me like any friend of Jessica Fletcher (Murder she wrote) must when she invites them on holiday, and that my umbrella will get blown inside out, and although this is hilarious to watch in real life, my metaphorical umbrella is what keeps me sane.
Working on a need to know basis is, for want of a better word, working. As a medicine or treatment is added to Pinkie’s daily regime we adapt and suck it up. I’m not sure I’m able to suck up all that C.F could potentially throw at us. I know there’s the chance that she’ll develop other conditions and complications, or that some of the treatments other sufferers have to do are enough to turn the uninitiated mother into a sobbing wreck. I think I’m worried that if I find out too much the wheels will come off and I’ll become a crazy lady, the type that wander the streets in pyjamas searching for answers that’ll never come, or I’ll develop full blown OCD as I try to control the uncontrollable.
Then the non-scaredy-cat side of me pipes up. When you knew nothing about babies you joined baby groups and picked up hints and tips that are still useful to this day, and a gaggle of pals as a bonus. So, the question I ask myself is — is it time to join the C.F community?
I feel like the youngest child in pre-school that just needs the teacher to be warm and hold my hand, but I’m worried that I’ll get the nasty battle-axe and that my socks will be covered in piss within the hour.
I know there are a mass of parents out there going through exactly the same as me, and I know these parents love their children like I love mine. Perhaps together I would be stronger, armed with knowledge that can bat away my fears (or at least the minor ones). When I hang up my Reluctant Owl wings (blog 11/1/2016) perhaps I could use that energy to join others and raise even more money to fight the C.F battle — there’s no stronger power than parent power of that I am convinced.
So you see, I have reached a junction in my life and don’t know which way to turn.